Square One
by mistymorningwritings
Summary: In the wake of Jo's marriage confession, Alex and Jo try to find a way back to each other and fix their broken relationship. Takes place somewhere after 13x14, but before 13x23. 7-chapter mini-series. COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes: This is the beginning of a shorter story I couldn't get out of my head. Initially I thought about posting it as a one shot, but then I figured a one shot that might have up to 10k words is just too long. So now I'm turning it into a mini series. It doesn't mean I'm abandoning my main story, though. I've been writing SoS for 1,5 years, so there's no way I'm ever gonna drop it, especially because the end is coming closer. But right now I'm simply more inspired for this new side project, so please don't cast stones. I hope to finish both stories until the end of hiatus.**

 **PS: This story could be seen as a sequel to my fanfic Rewind, but I don't think you need to know it to make sense of this one.**

 **PPS: I didn't run this past a beta reader, so if you notice any mistakes just let me know.**

* * *

Date Night #1

Dating.

That's what Alex and Jo had in mind to find out whether their relationship was worth one last chance. It was unfamiliar territory for both of them. When they'd gotten together the first time they'd basically skipped that step altogether. Back then, things had fallen into place so neatly, going on dates did not seem like a necessity. They both knew exactly what they wanted, and that was each other. The rest was details none of them really cared much about. Lazy evenings at the couch with pizza and beer were as welcome - if not more - as expensive dinners at fancy restaurants.

But due to recent developments, like the beating of innocent interns and confessions about secret husbands, things were not as clear anymore. Therefore Alex and Jo had decided to set a weekly date night. Every Friday at 8pm they would go out together, they would talk and get to know each other all over again. And there were no excuses, they both had to make it work, despite their busy schedules at the hospital.

* * *

Alex stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom, fighting with his tie. He glared at his reflection, then looked down at the pathetically dangling red-striped strip of fabric on his chest. There was no sugarcoating it, the knot looked like shit. At almost forty years old he still couldn't properly handle a simple tie.

He untangled the mess and tried again.

Only to fail again.

Exasperated he tore the tie from his neck and sent it flying into a corner.

 _Fine, so no tie._

The place he was taking Jo to was not all that fancy anyways.

As he left the bathroom Alex almost bumped into Meredith, who was balancing a laundry basket on her hip, containing mostly pink girly clothes.

"Hey watch..." she started, but then she trailed off. She looked him up and down, from his dark-blue shirt to the shiny black shoes, then crinkled her nose a little as she inhaled his aftershave. "Oh, you're going out? Hot date?"

"Maybe," Alex replied evasively.

Meredith grinned. "Well, good for you. Who is it?"

Alex pounded down the stairs without a reply. He could imagine what Meredith would say if he told her he was going out with his ex-girlfriend and he was so not in the mood for that discussion.

"Is it one of the nurses from the hospital? Or an intern?" Meredith probed as she dropped the laundry basket on the landing to follow him downstairs. "Or somebody who has nothing to do with the hospital? Because I could really understand if you-"

"It's Jo, okay?" he spilled, annoyed with her babbling.

"Oh," Meredith uttered simply and swallowed the rest.

"Say it," Alex muttered grimly.

"Say what?" Meredith's tone was innocent.

"What you wanted to say. That this is a bad idea, that Jo lied to me, that-."

"Well, she did," Meredith intercepted. "She hid a whole other life from you. All this time she was married and never bothered to tell you."

Alex snorted disparagingly. "So was Shepherd if you remember. Didn't stop you from getting back together with him."

"But he didn't wait almost four years into our relationship, before he told me."

"No, because he didn't tell you at all," Alex pointed out. "You found out, because his wife turned up in Seattle, after you'd already been dating Shepherd for two months."

"It's still different..."

"Damn right it is, unlike Jo he was not running from somebody who'd almost killed him."

"Fair point. Still, I want you to know you don't owe Wilson anything, okay?"

"You think that's why I'm doing this?" Alex barked out a disbelieving laugh. "You think it's about owing her?"

"I'm just saying, in that sort of situation your get overprotective. Your sense of responsibility always gets the best of you and you end up putting other people's needs above your own and that's when you get hurt. And I don't want you to get hurt again."

"She's been hurt so much worse than I ever was." Alex slipped into his jacket, then reached into the pockets for the keys.

"See? That's what I mean, you're-"

"Stop talking like I'm some freaking Samaritan," he exploded. He closed his fingers around the keys in his hands so tightly, he could feel their sharp edges cutting into his palm. "I'm doing this... I'm trying to make this work, because I love her, God damnit." He took a moment to calm down, then looked up at his friend. "I still love her, Mer. And I just... I think letting her go will end up being much more painful than getting to terms with the situation."

Meredith nodded sympathetically. "Okay."

She was about to head back upstairs, when she turned around once more, propping her hand on the banister. "By the way, what happened to moving out? Are you still looking for apartments?"

"Why? Do you want to get rid of me?" Alex smirked. "Or did you bring in another stray and need the room?" He was still half sharing his room with Amelia, who hadn't managed to fix her marriage with Hunt yet. Half the time she spent at Edwards' apartment, the other nights she slept at the Grey house. Needless to say, Alex was not exactly happy with the sleeping arrangements. The house just wasn't big enough for so many people.

"No, I'm just curious. Two weeks ago you were dead set on moving out, but you've never mentioned it again ever since."

Absentmindedly Alex looked at the set of keys in his hands. One for the house. One for his car.

And one for the loft.

Jo had never asked him to give the key back and he'd never offered.

It was true, two weeks ago he'd been determined to move out of this house as fast as possible. But now things were changing. What if...

"Alex? Hey!" Meredith flicked her fingers in front of Alex's face.

"What? Uhm... uh yeah I... of course I'm still apartment hunting. It's just... I..." He fixed his gaze on the loft keys again.

If he could make things work, if _they_ could make things work, maybe he didn't have to look for a new place after all? Maybe he could go back home instead?

Maybe.

Shaking his head, he brought himself back to reality. "It might just take a while. Is that a problem?"

Meredith studied him, an oddly worried look in her eyes. "No. Of course not," she said, turning her worried expression into a smile. "You can stay as long as you want."

"Good." Alex gestured to the door. "Now that that's settled, I'm off. See you later."


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Notes: Sorry I caused confusion about the Alex and Amelia bed situation. Of course I didn't mean they literally share a bed. What I meant when I wrote Alex and Amelia share a room, is that Alex sleeps on the couch in the living room, whenever Amelia is over. They've said as much on the show too. The whole thing is a bit confusing anyways. Like somebody else pointed out, Amelia was seen crashing in Meredith's bed as well. In another episode there was a scene where every sister came out of a different room. So the question is where do the kids sleep? And where does Alex sleep? Have they been banned to the attic like Lexie Grey back in the day? I guess we'll never know.**

 **About the Meredith thing: I thought about it and realized, I've seriously written her into, or at least mentioned her in all of my fics, except for one. I am a bit sorry about that, because I know most Jolex fans are more than fed up with her. But OTOH I just love writing fix-it fics and since Meredith is an issue that's never been resolved properly (and I think it never will be - Lord help us all!) I end up writing her into almost all of my fics.**

 **Here's the good news: This chapter has no Meredith. Oh wait, there's... well, you'll see ;)**

* * *

Date Night #2

Alex picked Jo up at the loft, like he'd done the previous week as well. They'd agreed to go to the movies for their second date.

However, the movie experience was not exactly a fulfilling one for Alex.

"Remind me to never do sneak previews again, this was the worst movie ever," he complained as they left the theater hours later.

"Well, that's just how it works with sneak previews, you never know what you're gonna get," Jo pointed out. "Sometimes it's a good movie, sometimes not so much. But I thought it wasn't so bad."

"Please, it was The Smurfs 3. Don't defend that crap," Alex said, unlocking his car.

Jo slid into the passenger's seat and fastened her seatbelt. "I found it cute. My only complaint is, it didn't have nearly enough Handy Smurf in it. He is my absolute favorite and never gets enough credit."

Alex raised an amused eyebrow at her. "Handy Smurf, huh? And there I thought DeLuca was my only competition."

Jo chuckled. "What, Andrew? No, we're just friends. He doesn't like me like that."

"You keep telling yourself that," Alex muttered under his breath.

After they'd stopped by at a McDonald's Drive-Thru, because Jo was craving a Hot Caramel Sundae, Alex drove Jo home. They parked in front of the apartment complex and Jo was happy when Alex decided to escort her up to the loft.

As they entered the elevator, Jo was still scooping ice cream from a plastic cup. Watching Alex push the elevator button, she smiled to herself. All this almost seemed like a high school date to her. The guy picks up the girl, they spend a nice evening together, then he brings her home and kisses her goodnight.

Dreamily, Jo looped her arm through Alex's and leaned her head against his shoulder. For a moment she shut her eyes and inhaled the scent of his aftershave, just happy to be this close to him again. But then she remembered how unlikely it was that Alex would actually kiss her goodnight and her heart sank. He might kiss her cheek, sure, but who knew if there would ever be more than that again? Things were still so incredibly complicated between them.

Just the same, Jo had enjoyed the evening tremendously. She hadn't had many of those classic high school dates, when she was still a teenager. She'd never let any guy pick her up or bring her home, because how would she have explained that she didn't have a real address and that the entrance to her home basically was the driver's door of her car? It would have been a real romance killer for sure.

As they stepped out of the elevator, Jo held out her Sundae and offered Alex the spoon. "Do you want some?"

"No. It's fine, you can have it." He gave her a smile, but it seemed tense.

Jo smiled back at him as she shoved another spoonful of ice cream into her mouth. She tried not to overrate his lack of excitement. He was probably just tired and longing for his bed.

She was pondering whether she should still ask him in for a nightcap, when Alex started to speak, "Jo, would you have ever told me? About being married?"

Jo's smile froze. So his mood swing had nothing to do with being tired at all.

Date night number two and he was cutting right to the chase. Jo felt her silly little teenage fantasies melt away like the ice cream on her tongue. But it had to happen sooner or later. That was the real reason they were doing this after all. It wasn't about playing high school, it was about building trust. It was about truth. Alex need truth. As much as she would have liked to defer this conversation a little while longer, Jo could understand that.

She swallowed hard, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. "Can we... can we talk about this inside?"

She unlocked the door and they both stepped into the place that was once their shared home. "Do you want something to drink?" Jo crossed the room, setting the half-empty Sundae cup on the counter. "A glass of water or a beer?" she suggested.

Alex stepped closer. "No, I just want an answer, Jo. Would you have ever told me?"

Jo sighed, examining the wooden top of the counter for a moment. Then she looked up to meet his eyes. "Probably not."

Alex nodded, furling his brows. "So twenty years from now, I still wouldn't have known your real name? You never planned to tell me who you really are?"

"You know who I really am, Alex. Why are you suddenly obsessing about the name? That name was given to me when the social workers picked me up at the fire station. It never meant anything. I'm still the same. I'm Jo Wilson, you said it yourself."

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. I just... Why?" Helplessly he raised his hands, then dropped them again. "I mean, I know why. You were trying to protect us both and you thought I would do something stupid, which I did, I know. And you were scared, I get that too, but... I still wish you would've told me."

"I was advised by the people who helped me escape to never talk about it to anyone ever."

"But it was me, Jo. Me!" Frustrated Alex ran his hands through his hair. "We wanted to build a life together. I wanted to marry you."

 _Here we go again,_ Jo thought bitterly. It always came back to the marriage thing. "Is that the only thing that matters to you? Putting a ring on my finger?" she asked resentfully.

"What? No, of course not." Alex knit his eyebrows together and above the bridge of his nose appeared the little vertical lines he sometimes got when he was angry. Then he shook his head and rubbed his face. When he met Jo's eyes again, the anger had evaporated. As he spoke, his voice sounded hurt. "I just wish you would have trusted me and felt safe enough to confide in me. I always thought my mess was yours and yours was mine. I thought we were dealing with things together." He sucked his bottom lip in between his teeth. "Guess, I was wrong."

"I wanted to tell you so many times, Alex. But then I just couldn't go through with it." Nervously Jo started to pick at her cuticles, without even noticing it. "I've been through some stuff, you know that, and I can handle a lot, but this marriage, my... husband was the one thing that almost broke me. He all but destroyed me and I just couldn't let him be a reality in my new life in any way or form. I couldn't even acknowledge his existence, because I thought it would somehow be enough for him to sense where to find me." She shook her head and laughed wearily. She sounded paranoid and silly, she was sure of it. She risked a brief glance at Alex, who was listening quietly, but at the same time still seemed tense and conflicted.

"It's like..." She tried to think of a different way to explain it. "It's like with that game, Bloody Mary. You're basically sure it's all just supernatural nonsense and nothing's gonna happen if you call her name three times into a mirror at night. So you walk into the bathroom, determined to just do it, say it, but then, when you actually look into the mirror, you chicken out. Because what if? What if something bad happens? What if she comes for you? What if you conjure the bad thing, just by thinking about it? Or talking about it? I couldn't take that risk with my husband, I just couldn't." She paused, looking straight into Alex's eyes. "I thought, if I told one person, even if it was the man I loved, it would be enough to set things in motion. Because more people would find out, then the wrong people would find out and eventually he would find out and he would find me. I know it's paranoid, but it's how I feel. Hell, sometimes I think bad things keep happening, just because I'm me." She watched as a shift went through Alex's features. Either he was beginning to understand, or she'd just ruined things even more with that stupid metaphor.

"I'm not just scared of him, Alex, I'm terrified," she went on. Her hands were trembling a little, so she closed her eyes for a moment to calm down. "Now it's you and Andrew, two people know, and I already feel like that is too many." As she glanced at Alex again, waiting for him to say something, she noticed his gaze was not conflicted anymore. Instead his eyes looked pained, stricken, and what was worse, guilty.

"I told Meredith," he blurted out, before she could ask him what was wrong.

Jo blinked at him incredulously. "What? You did what?"

"About your husband. I-I told her. I... it was the day you told me and I didn't know what to think and I decided to take the plea and I just had to talk to someone. I... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Jo. I wasn't thinking..." He tried to reach out for her, but she pulled away.

"How could you do this?" Jo felt the sting of tears in her eyes. "I trusted you with this and the next moment you turn around and tell somebody else? Meredith Grey of all people? The woman who doesn't have a shred of respect for me?"

"No, that's not... she's not..."

"Get out!" Jo glared at Alex with wide eyes. She knew, if she blinked now, the tears would spill down her cheeks and she would not let that happen.

"She would never tell anyone, I swear." He reached for her again, but Jo pushed him way.

"I said get out! Go!" She pushed him again, feeling white hot anger blazing through her insides. Whether she was right about Meredith Grey or not, she was sick of Alex dismissing her feelings about his friend over and over again.

"Jo, please, I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"I want you to go! Just go and leave me alone!"

He was still hesitating. "I'm sorry," he whispered again, his voice full of regret. He made half a step towards Jo, but then he changed his mind and did what she'd asked him to do and left.

With wobbly legs, Jo went after him. Not to stop him, but to lock the door behind him. She turned the key three times.

Then, no longer holding back the tears, she crawled into bed and tucked her legs to her body like an infant. She cried and sobbed until her throat was sore and there were only silent tears left, trickling into the pillows like small creeks. She didn't know what hurt more, the fact that Alex had given away her secret like it was some irrelevant gossip, or the fact that he was still more loyal to Meredith Grey than he would ever be to her.

Like her broken heart wasn't enough, she was suddenly hit by a panic attack that rolled over her like a bulldozer and made her shake and shiver underneath the covers. In her mind she saw how Grey told one of her sisters, maybe Pierce, maybe Shepherd, probably both. Then Hunt would find out. Maybe a nurse would overhear. Maybe a nurse had already overheard when Alex had told Meredith. The nurse would tell other nurses. Somebody who knew Paul would find out and they would tell him. And then he would come for her. Maybe he was already on his way.

Somewhere in the loft a clock was ticking. It seemed so incredibly loud, unbearably loud. Jo wanted to get up and stop it, but she felt paralyzed, unable to move.

And with every passing second he was coming closer.

The clock was ticking mercilessly, every tick-tock like a whisper:

 _He's coming._

 _He's coming._

 _He's coming for me._

At the same time there were other thoughts rattling around inside Jo's mind. Memories. Painful and humiliating memories.

 _Carefully, Paul puts a band-aid on a cut on her forehead, then kisses the crown of her head. "I'm so sorry, Brooke. I didn't mean it, you know that, right? I just got angry and I... But you know I love you, don't you?" She smiles at him. Yeah, of course she knows it. In some twisted corner of her mind, she thinks this is sweet actually. Before Paul, she never had anybody, who would tend to her wounds, nobody who would touch her so tenderly. She has almost forgotten, it was he who'd pushed her into a wall so hard, it made her skin crack. Almost. The moment she remembers, her smile freezes._

 _Once she starts to realize that Paul is not who she thought he was, not who he pretended to be, she changes. But so does he. When he hurts her now, he's not sorry anymore. And he gets more controlling everyday, even tells her to drop out of college. When she argues she needs college, because she wants to go to med school, he says they don't need two doctors in the family. He can provide for the both of them. And he loves her. "Nobody is ever going to love you more than I do," he says. She used to love it, when he told her that. Now, not so much anymore. Something about the wording of that sentence bothers her._

 _One day she tells him, she's leaving. Says it straight to his face. Big mistake. The next moment Paul's fingers are closing around her neck. His beautiful, pale, long fingers, they are almost too dainty for a man. But he is a surgeon and it's normal for surgeons to have delicate hands. However, like most things about Paul, the delicacy of his hands is deceiving. His hands are strong and cruel and they're squeezing the air out of her lungs. No, he's not trying to kill her. He's choking her just hard enough to give her a warning:_ I could if I wanted to.

 _And one time, when he comes home early and catches her packing a suitcase as she's about to try to leave for the second time, he almost does. She wakes up three days later in the hospital, bruises everywhere, broken ribs, a broken arm and a sprained ankle. She wonders why nobody questions her, why nobody tries to find out what happened to her. But she doesn't wonder for long. People will buy whatever story Paul has told them. Handsome, charming, world-class surgeon Paul Stadler, who makes a living saving people's lives. Everybody loves him, admires him, so why should anybody ever doubt him?_

And now he was coming for her again. And she was alone. She felt so incredibly lost and alone.

 _No!_

Jo's eyes snapped open.

 _No, stop thinking about him. Stop freaking out. He's not coming. Not tonight, anyways._

She jolted up and rubbed her face, wiping away the trails of her tears. She needed sleep, that was all. But in order to get that, she needed something to stop her brain from whirring. She lurched into the bathroom to search for some sleeping pills. In the cabinet behind the mirror above the sink, she found what she was looking for. She shoved two pills into her mouth and washed them down with a glass of cold water.

Leaving the bathroom, she heard a rustling sound coming from the door, from outside the door to be precise. And muffled voices. Were those voices? She wasn't entirely sure, but there was definitely something out there.

Panic made her stomach convulse and her legs weak. She had to hold on to the back of a chair for a second to steady herself. What if he was already here? She looked around, her eyes scanning the room for something she could use as a weapon. The only thing she could find was an umbrella sticking out of the stand beside the door. She almost had to laugh. An umbrella? That was all she had to defend herself? She should have never gotten rid of her gun. But since she had no other choice, she grabbed the umbrella and raised it over her head as she unlocked the door. She yanked the door open and...

The hallway was empty. There was no one there.

She waited a moment, searched the hallway, studied the elevator, but there was nothing.

She drew out a relieved breath and locked the door again. Three times.

Then she went back to bed and let the sleeping pills do their thing, silence her frantic mind as well as her aching heart.


	3. Chapter 3

Date Night #3

 **Morning**

Alex stopped dead in his tracks as he entered the visitor's lounge and saw Jo standing by the vending machine, studying the variety of snacks behind the glass pane. As she started to feed the machine with coins, he scurried to her side. He hadn't seen her in days and until now he'd tried his best not to badger her and give her space. But he couldn't miss this chance. Tonight was date night and he had to clear up where they stood. He had to know if she would give him a chance to make things right.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey," she said, her voice devoid of any emotion.

For a moment they just looked at each other. There was a hint of defiance shimmering in Jo's eyes. Other than that she was completely guarded though, keeping her feelings under lock and key. But Alex knew, behind her standoffish stance, she hid a world of pain, more than any one person should ever have to suffer through. Part of it was caused by him, he knew that too. He should have been there for her the way she deserved it.

Jo arched her eyebrows at Alex as if she was waiting for him to spit out his request or whatever it was he'd come to say. There was a lot he wanted to say to her. But most of all he just wanted to scoop her into his arms and never let her go again. He'd done that too many times.

As Alex stayed silent, she turned back to the vending machine and pushed a button. With a dull thud the machine released a granola bar.

"How-how are you?" Alex asked, finally finding his tongue again.

"I'm fine." Jo bent down to retrieve the bar from the output compartment. "Feel free to share that news with your friend Meredith Grey. Seems to be your speciality these days," she added sourly as she straightened up. "You know what, how about you share it on Facebook and Twitter too? Tell it the whole damn world, if you want. Jo Wilson is absolutely fine. Really, I'm doing great."

On any other day her attitude would have amused Alex. Jo could get so irritatingly sarcastic when she was pissed. And at least she was finally reacting. He'd take her scolding over her silence any day.

Still, Alex knew the situation was serious, all too serious. "Jo, I'm sorry. If I could take it all back, I would, please believe me."

Jo started down the corridor, Alex hard on her heels. "Tell me how I can make it up to you, please?" They had reached the elevator and Jo pushed the call button. "How... how about we talk about this tonight? Tonight is date night, right?"

"I don't think that's a good idea," Jo said vaguely as she stepped into the elevator.

Alex didn't know who had come up with the idea of date night initially. They had both found the whole concept fairly ridiculous at first. But in order to give their relationship a chance, they'd agreed to try this. Now date night felt like his very last resort. He was clinging to it like it was a lifeline.

So before the elevator doors could close, Alex put his hands between the steel panels. "I'll be waiting for you at the house, okay? Eight p.m." He looked at her with pleading eyes, then he pulled his hands back and the doors closed.

* * *

 **Evening**

Alex zapped through the channels, pausing at some cooking competition show to check his watch again.

8:05 p.m.

He muted the TV, listening for noises from outside, hoping to hear Jo's car pull into the driveway. But there was nothing. A sinking feeling took hold of him, as he considered the possibility that she wasn't coming.

Then again, maybe she was just late? Maybe traffic was crazy? It was just five minutes, he tried to reassure himself. Five minutes was nothing.

He watched as the judge of the cooking show tore down one of the contestants. Since he hadn't bothered to turn the sound back on, Alex had no idea what the fuss was about. Not that he cared anyways. The only thing he cared about was hearing the engine of an approaching car or the ringing of the doorbell. But neither happened.

Alex had resumed mindlessly hopping around TV channels, when Meredith shuffled into the living room.

"You're home tonight?" she asked puzzled. "I thought you had your date thing with Wilson on Fridays?"

Alex looked at his watch again, hoping against hope.

8:36 p.m.

There was no way Jo could be that late. She wasn't coming, it was becoming more and more certain.

"Hey, I asked you something." Meredith sank into the couch next to Alex. "Aren't you supposed to be out with Jo tonight?"

"Not anymore," Alex replied tersely.

"Not anymore," she imitated his gruff tone, obviously annoyed. "Context please? What happened?"

"I screwed up, that's what happened. I screwed it up for good this time."

"What did you do?" Meredith frowned. "I mean, it can't possibly be worse than that one time you almost killed a guy, can it?"

Alex didn't answer. Being reminded of what he did to DeLuca was not exactly helping to improve his mood.

Suddenly Meredith gasped for air. She clasped her hand over her mouth and looked at him in horror. "Oh my God, don't tell me you killed someone for real this time?" Then her mouth twitched into a wide grin, signaling that she was just messing with him. As if he hadn't noticed that.

Alex shot her a deadly glare. "Very funny."

Alex expected his friend to keep prodding, but instead she jumped to her feet and excused herself as it was time to tuck in Zola. Meredith bringing up Zola's bedtime made Alex wince. It meant that it was almost 9:00 p.m. It meant Jo had stood him up beyond any doubt.

About twenty minutes later his inquisitor came back, announcing that all her kids were finally tucked in.

"So where were we?" Meredith asked, handing Alex an open beer bottle. "Right, what happened between you and Wilson? Why did you screw up?"

Alex sighed. He didn't feel like talking about it, but Meredith probably wouldn't stop pestering. Maybe talking would actually be helpful. Then again, it was talking too much that had gotten him in trouble in the first place. He took a few sips from his beer, while his friend looked at him with such scrutinizing eyes, as if she was trying to read his mind.

"It's because I told you about her husband," he said eventually. "I shouldn't have done that."

"You told her that?" Meredith asked.

Alex nodded. "When we were out last week. She's been avoiding me ever since."

Meredith propped her legs on the coffee table. "Okay, I understand that she wouldn't be thrilled about you sharing confidential information, but it's just me. She has to know I would never tell anybody about it. I will admit I'm not her biggest fan right now, but I know how serious the situation is for her. I would never do anything that could make things worse for her or endanger her in any way."

Alex shook his head. "It doesn't matter. She's scared for her life and I should've just kept my mouth shut. I wasn't thinking and I ruined everything. I... I betrayed her trust. Telling you was like the third Bloody Mary."

Confused Meredith furrowed her brows. "Bloody Mary? Do I have to understand that reference?"

"Nevermind. Just forget it." Alex rubbed his forehead and sighed deeply. "God, she was so upset, Mer. Livid actually. I've never seen her like that before."

He shifted backwards, resting his head on the back of the couch, staring at the ceiling. "She's so scared. And when I left last Friday..." He snorted, then corrected himself. "When she threw me out last Friday, I wanted to camp out in front of her door the whole night, just so she wouldn't be alone and didn't have to be scared... terrified," he added quietly, the word tasting bitter in his mouth.

"Well, that's sweet."

"It's stupid. She didn't even know I was there and even if she had known... she wouldn't have wanted me there." He emptied the beer bottle with one long last gulp. "Besides, I was only there for about an hour. Then that guy who lives downstairs... you know, the stoner, he turned up and chased me away. He wanted to know why I was stalking the nice lady doctor," he informed her, his tone irritated.

Meredith chuckled. "That's honestly what he said? Those words?"

"Yep," Alex nodded. "And then he threatened to call the cops on me, so I bailed."

"At least you know someone is looking out for her."

Alex perked his eyebrows at his friend. "The stoner from downstairs is looking out for her," he said dryly, "yeah, that's very reassuring."

He checked his watch again, then wondered why the hell he was still doing that. It was pointless anyways. She wasn't coming. It was over.

Maybe it was for the best that way. It was just too much. Too many secrets and lies. Too much betrayal. Too much pain they'd caused each other. There's only so many times you can bend something before it breaks for good. A bitter feeling of resignation settled in the pit of Alex's stomach as he rose to his feet.

"I'm going to bed."

"Seriously?" Meredith looked up at him. "I just tucked my kids in. You're telling me, you have the same bedtime as my 7-year-old daughter now?"

"Whatever."

"Just proves you're one step closer to becoming a cranky old man," Meredith shouted after him.

Normally he would have shot back a snarky comment. At any rate he would have told her to shut up. But this time he just kept walking, his thoughts still with Jo.

He missed her already. He'd missed her all week. But at least there'd still been some hope before. Hope that she just needed space. Hope that she would come around. Now, there was no hope left. Now, missing her had become something he had to get used too.

As he dragged himself up the stairs his legs felt heavy. Or maybe it was just his heart.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Notes: This chapter deviates a bit from the pattern of the other ones. Originally I wanted each chapter to just cover one date night (whether it actually happens or not lol), but then my mind came up with a little Paul flashback and since it transferred itself pretty smoothly from my brain to the page (which almost never happens), I decided to keep it in. I guess I should add a slight trigger warning for physical violence, but I promise it's not that bad. It's definitely gonna be the only flashback. This story is soon coming to an end and there are other writers that have covered that part of Jo's story in detail (contrary to the actual show :/) so I think there's no need for me to do the same.**

* * *

 _She doesn't hear how Paul enters the kitchen. He has always had a habit of being sneaky and he's good at it. That's why she only notices him once he stands behind her and wraps his arms around her. But she knows her husband's tricks and so she isn't even startled. Instead she tilts her head back, leaning in to his embrace. Paul starts pressing scratchy, stubbly kisses to her cheek, which make her chuckle with pleasure as she rubs her fingers over his forearms._

 _"So, Dr. Stadler, now that you've successfully finished your intern year, how do you want to celebrate today?"_

 _"Should we even celebrate?" Paul asks diffidently. "I'm a resident now, but I still got four years of medical training ahead of me. Not to mention two years of fellowship, if I want to specialize."_

 _She turns in his arms, puts her hands on his shoulders. "Of course we're gonna celebrate. This is huge. Just take off some pressure and be happy for a day, okay?"_

 _"Okay," he sighs. "I just can't wait till the big money starts coming in and I'll finally be able to pay back my father for buying this apartment for us."_

 _She frowns. "Why do you keep beating yourself up about that? For now, your dad seems cool with how things are. He never pressured you about paying him back, did he?"_

 _"No, he didn't," Paul concedes. "Not in an obvious way. But it's there, it's in his eyes, believe me. You just don't notice, because you don't know how rich people roll."_

 _"I don't know how rich people roll?" she asks challengingly. "I married one. You're a rich people, you know?"_

 _"Not yet," he corrects. "A Stadler has to work for his money. Everything I own technically belongs to my family. Except for you," he adds with a cheeky grin. Before she can object to his choice of words, he kisses her, his tongue eagerly invading her mouth. He lifts her up like a doll and sits her down on the kitchen counter so that her short black dress slips further up her thighs._

 _"God, you're so beautiful, Brooke." He looks at her with awe-struck eyes. "I'm anticipating the day when you'll be there with me, in the OR of the hospital I'll probably own by then. We're going to be saving lives side by side, like gods."_

 _She laughs, shaking her head at his haughtiness. "You do realize I won't be wearing tight dresses like this one in the OR, don't you?"_

 _Paul pulls a face. "I know. It's a real pity, though."_

 _Self-consciously she looks down at her dress, thinking she should maybe tell her husband to stop buying her expensive clothes, if he's so concerned about the money. It's not like she needs all those fancy blouses, skirts and dresses. She doesn't even know how much this one cost him. Sometimes she's not even sure she likes the things he makes her buy._

 _Jumping down from the counter, she quickly disperses any thoughts about money and clothes. What does it matter now? It's too late to return this dress anyways, or any of her other ones for that matter._

 _"I wish I could start tomorrow," she says wistfully. "But it's gonna be years before I'll enter a hospital as a real doctor. I'm not even halfway through college yet."_

 _Her heels click over the hardwood floor as she walks over to the fridge. She retrieves a bottle of champagne, which she'd been cooling for the special occasion. "So, second year resident Dr. Stadler, I think it's time we crack this bottle."_

 _Paul opens the bottle with a loud pop and quickly fills two champagne flutes as the sparkling liquid starts to spill over his fingers. "By the way, I invited some friends from the hospital for Saturday. To celebrate that we passed our intern exams." He hands her one of the glasses. "I told them you're gonna cook for us."_

 _She laughs. "You're kidding, right?"_

 _He shakes his head, his eyes staring at her, dark and serious all of a sudden. "Absolutely not. It has got to be huge and special. I want to impress them. So I was thinking you're going to prepare a five-course dinner and the main dish is going to be coq au vin. You can never go wrong with French cuisine."_

 _"Cock a what?" This makes her laugh even more._

 _"Coq au vin," he clarifies impatiently. "I'll give you my mother's recipe and you're gonna cook it, period."_

 _Sensing that he's starting to get upset, she bites her lip to stifle another laughing fit. "Seriously Paul, you're being silly. You know I can't cook to save my life," she tries to reason with him. "Why are you making such a fuss? Those people were broke medical interns a minute ago, now they're broke medical residents. I'm sure they wouldn't care if you served them McDonald's. I mean, come on, this is ridiculous."_

 _In the blink of an eye Paul has raised his hand over her head and hits her in the face. The blow comes down so hard, it makes her head jerk to the side. "Don't you ever dare to make fun of me or call me stupid again. I won't have that, do you hear me?" he hisses, his face inches from hers. Then he walks away, leaving her standing motionless in the middle of the kitchen._

 _"You will prepare dinner for me and my friends on Saturday and I won't accept anything less than perfect," he reminds her, before he disappears into the living room._

 _The young woman slides down against the kitchen counter until she can feel the floor beneath her. With wide eyes she stares at the spotless white kitchen cabinets and shelves across from her. She can feel how her left cheek starts to burn and throb. Her hands are trembling so badly, she has to tuck them tightly in between her legs and belly to get it under control._

 _Unable to comprehend what just happened, her mind shuts down; she just sits there, crouched down, unable to move, as everything around her starts to blur in the haze of her tears._

 _Later she will remember this day as the day everything changed. It was the day the man she loved laid hands on her for the first time. It was the day her fairytale with Paul started to crack and turn into a nightmare._

 _Of course there were signs before. Like the way he sometimes gripped her arm so fiercely his fingers left marks on her skin. Or the tone he sometimes used when he spoke to her, like he considered himself her superior, not her equal. And didn't she switch from wearing comfy T-shirts and jeans around the house to wearing dresses and heels everyday, only because he wanted her to?_

 _She used to shrug those things off. It doesn't mean anything. No big deal. It's what she will do with this incident too._ Paul is just stressed, so his hand slipped. _That's what she's going to tell herself until it happens again. Until it gets worse. So much worse._

* * *

Date Night #4

Another Friday, another evening spent at the couch watching bad TV.

"You're watching MasterChef again?" Meredith asked, peaking into the living room from the kitchen. "No offense, but it's getting pathetic! Why don't you just go to Wilson and apologize for everything?"

Alex rolled his eyes. "Gee thanks Meredith, I never thought of that before." He reached for the box of Crispy Puffs cereal on the coffee table. "I told her I was sorry, but we're way past any apologies."

"Okay then you... uhm..." She started pacing the room like it could help her come up with useful advice. "How about you tell her I didn't hear anything, when you told me? I uh I was busy and didn't listen, okay? I'm gonna back you up, if she asks."

Alex rolled his eyes again, irked by her silly suggestions. "Yeah, surely that'll work."

Meredith threw her hands in the air. "Then send her flowers or something."

"Jo never really cared much about flowers. I wouldn't even know which ones to get her."

"Then do the Jo Wilson equivalent of flowers, whatever that is."

"Just hang it up, Meredith. Seriously, it's just... it's over." The sooner he learned to accept it the better.

"Fine, if you'd rather sit around and wallow in self-pity instead of doing something..." Meredith let the sentence unfinished and left.

Judging by the clattering sounds of crockery coming from the kitchen a moment later, she must have started to empty the dishwasher.

"Since when do you even care about any of this?" Alex asked towards the kitchen.

"I only care, because you've been moping around for two weeks straight and it's annoying. Besides, you only get so much time with the person you love." There was a long pause and Alex knew she was thinking of Shepherd. "You said you still love her and I suppose so does she, so you shouldn't give up, just because you've hit a rough patch."

Alex snorted. Meredith made it sound so easy. The problem was, this wasn't just a regular rough patch. It wasn't something he could fix with a bunch of flowers like a guy who'd been out drinking with his buddies too many nights, while his wife stayed at home tending to the kids. This was so much bigger and much more complicated than that. And at this point there was nothing he could do about it anymore.

* * *

Jo spent the evening drinking at the Emerald City Bar. She figured what she needed was just one evening of not thinking about Alex and she would feel better. She had to get him out of her mind and heart, even if it was just for a few hours. After she'd tried to do exactly that in a sober state for two weeks without success, she had reached the conclusion that she needed alcohol, lots of alcohol, to get there.

Although she didn't care much for company that evening, her friends, Stephanie and Leah, insisted on going with her.

As they sat at the bar, getting served their first drink, they teased her that it was better to have her wingwomen with her so they could get her home safely, when she got hammered. After all, they couldn't sacrifice another innocent, obliging resident for that job, not after what had happened the last time.

Jo shot Leah and Steph a resentful look, so not entertained by their sense of humor, then downed her tequila and instantly ordered another one, hoping to erase Alex Karev from her thoughts, one drink at a time.

It was past midnight when Leah and Stephanie brought Jo home. She was so out of it, she could barely stand. The first thing she did once the girls had unlocked the door for her, was shuffle towards the bathroom. She felt so sick and miserable, she was sure she had to throw up. Holding her hair back with one hand, the brunette bent over the toilet seat. She heaved, but nothing happened. False alarm.

Exhausted Jo fell back and leaned against the white tiles of the bathroom wall. She closed her eyes and for a moment it was completely quiet.

"Are you okay?"

Jo squinted and saw Leah and Stephanie standing by the bathroom door, regarding her with worried looks. Still resting against the wall, Jo shook her head. Suddenly a heart-piercing sob erupted from her throat and hot tears started running down her face as she broke down crying.

Quickly Stephanie perched down beside her and wrapped her arms around Jo. "Hey honey, what is it?"

Her friend's comfort only made Jo sob harder. "I miss him so much," she managed eventually. "I miss him all the time and it never stops." She sank her head against Stephanie's shoulder. "Why can't we make it work? We try over and over, but it never works. All we ever do is hurt each other."

"Oh sweety." Stephanie patted Jo's head and pulled her closer.

Leah joined them on the floor and soothingly started stroking Jo's leg. "It's gonna get easier, I promise."

As grateful as Jo was for her friends, accepting their support in this particular situation almost made her feel more miserable. They didn't even know half of her story with Alex or why they were struggling so much. Hell, they didn't even know half of her own story. They were just two more people she'd been deceiving for years. Because she had to. She'd never had a choice, not really. But she couldn't help but feel bad about it. And it made her feel lonely too, because she realized there was not a single person on this planet who knew her, truly knew her. Not even her friends. Her secrets were isolating her, like they always had.

Once Jo had calmed down somewhat, Leah and Stephanie helped her to get ready for bed. They made her drink a glass of water and helped her change into the oversized Princeton T-shirt she used as a nightshirt now. They wanted to stay overnight, but Jo vehemently declined that offer. They'd made enough fuss about her, as it was.

When they left, Jo locked the door behind them, turning the key three times. Even in her drunken, half asleep state she did not forget that.

That night Jo had a dream.

She was at the hospital, running through the hallways, desperately looking for Alex. The hospital was abandoned, completely empty, and for some reason there were ghostly patches of fog hanging in the air. As if that wasn't peculiar enough she kept getting lost, because every corridor seemed to look the same and she ended up running in circles. Jo called Alex's name over and over again, but she couldn't find him.

Suddenly Meredith Grey turned up from behind a corner. With cold, piercing blue eyes she glared at Jo. "What's your real name, Jo?" she asked, her voice echoing through the empty hallway.

She came closer and closer and was soon joined by Dr. Webber who popped out of a patient room in front of Jo. "What's your real name, Jo?" he asked as well.

Then there were Stephanie and Leah. "You're a liar," they said. "Was anything about you ever real at all? Liar!"

"What's your real name, Jo?" Dr. Avery. Dr. Kepner. Dr. Pierce. Dr. Hunt. Soon half of the hospital was after Jo, accusing her, yelling at her, cornering her.

"Liar. Liar. Liar."

Jo started to run.

Reaching the main hall, she turned back again. The doctors were still closing in on her. She panicked, stumbled backwards, almost fell. But there was somebody behind her, who caught her. Two strong hands reached for her to keep her from falling. Jo knew those hands. They had saved her once.

Immediately she felt herself calm down a bit. _Alex._ He had finally found her. She pivoted, a smile of relief spreading across her face.

Only it wasn't Alex, who was standing in front of her. It was Paul. As soon as she realized that, Jo's smile contorted into an expression of pure terror and her blood ran cold.

"What's your new name, Brooke?" Paul said, gripping her arms harder as she tried to get away from him. "Come on, tell me! Tell me so I can find you. Tell me so we can be together again."

Tell me.

Tell me.

 _Tell me._

Jo's eyes snapped open. She was back at the loft and the images of the dream started to fade. Still, her heart was hammering in her chest as if she was close to a heart attack. As she threw back the covers, she noticed that her old Princeton shirt was sticking to her body, damp with sweat.

Running her shaky fingers through her sweaty hair, she took a deep breath. _What the hell was going on with her?_ She used to be so good at blocking all this out, at blocking him out. But now Paul Stadler was back to haunt her.

Jo got up and checked under her bed for the umbrella she'd placed there two weeks ago. As ridiculous as it was, save for the knives in the kitchen, this was the only weapon she had to defend herself. She checked if the door was locked properly, then went to the toilet. In the kitchen she gulped down a glass of water before she eventually went back to bed.

She tried her hardest to go back to sleep, but it was a restless night. Jo spent more time of it tossing and turning in her sheets than sleeping.


	5. Chapter 5

Date Night #5

Nervously Jo rang the doorbell of the Grey house. Last time she'd come here the person who had opened the door was the person she'd been looking for. But she couldn't count on being that lucky twice. It was more likely that one of the sisters ended up answering the door.

As it turned out there was a third option. Neither Alex nor one the sisters opened the door, it was Zola.

"Hi Dr. Wilson." The girl looked up at Jo with a broad grin that revealed a gap in her lower dental arch, where she'd recently lost a tooth.

"Hi Zola," Jo smiled.

"Are you here for Alex?"

"Yes, I-"

"He's upstairs. Mommy says he's mallowing." She lifted her shoulders. "I don't know what that means, but I can tell you it's no fun."

"Can you get him for me?" Jo asked, ignoring the somewhat confusing extra information, since she had no idea what the girl was talking about.

Zola nodded. "I can." But then she just stood there, unmoving, a perpetual smile on her face.

Jo gazed at her expectantly, trying to get her going, but Zola didn't get the hint, or rather didn't want to get it. Instead she started talking about the tooth fairy, who was probably visiting her tonight. After all her last baby tooth had fallen out this morning. As she spoke, the oldest Grey daughter started fidgeting excitedly, her shiny, black braids bouncing up and down. She went on about how annoying her little brother Bailey was and that she was so not going to share her tooth money with him. Then she remembered the play they were staging at school and gave Jo detailed information about her role in it.

A couple of times Jo tried to interrupt her, but Zola kept talking and talking like a wound-up doll and the young surgeon grew more and more impatient. Meredith Grey was her savior in the end. "Zola honey, who is at the door?", she asked, waddling towards them from the living room, her youngest daughter Ellis tucked to her hip.

"Wilson, hi!" she said with unconcealed surprise in her voice upon recognizing the late visitor.

"Hi, uh is Alex here? I need to talk to him."

"Yeah, he's upstairs." Meredith turned to her oldest daughter. "Zola, can you tell Alex to come down, please?"

Zola nodded again. "Of course I can," she said. However, she didn't show the slightest inclination to actually go upstairs.

Realizing her mistake, Meredith sighed heavily. "Zola, _will_ you tell Alex to come down?" she rephrased her request.

Zola groaned. "Fine. But Alex is no fun anymore. He's always mallowing."

Meredith watched as her daughter reluctantly climbed up the stairs. "The word is wallowing, honey."

"I'm sorry about that," she said, addressing Jo again. "You have to know, 'I can' does not mean 'I will' in Zola speech. She's pedantic about that." The older surgeon laughed. "But really it's just her way of messing with people." Embarrassed Meredith scratched the back of her head. "Anyways, I'm sorry and I'm also sorry she kept bending your ears."

Jo made a dismissive hand gesture. "It's fine."

An awkward silence fell between them. Jo kept her eyes glued to the stairs, hoping to see Alex appear on the landing.

Ellis stirred in Meredith's arms, so she started to pat her daughter's back and rock her gently. "Listen, uhm Wilson... Jo... I-I uh Alex told me what happened to you... what you had to go through and I just wanted you to know, your secret's safe with me. I'm not telling anyone. I would never do that."

Jo pressed her lips together. "Thank you," she said evenly, avoiding the attending's gaze. Meredith Grey was the last person with whom she wanted to discuss her situation. Jo wished she would just go back to the living room and continue doing whatever it was she had been doing before. Since that didn't seem to be her plan, Jo focused on baby Ellis. The child was babbling quietly, her chubby hands grabbing aimlessly into the air, like she was trying to catch something only she could see.

"And I want you to know that we're all here to support you," Meredith went on. "If you need anything, if you need help, just say the word. Everybody at the hospital's gonna have your back, I promise. You're not alone, Jo."

Jo let Meredith's words sink in for a moment. She remembered how quickly Dr. Hunt had been willing to follow her request to remove the abusive husband of her kidney patient. She remembered how he'd comforted her, when everything had overwhelmed her in the end. And she recalled how gentle Dr. Bailey had spoken to her, when she'd told her Alex would be going to prison. Then there was Ben who'd been there for her, even though she'd been nothing but flippant that night. It felt good to hear there were people who cared about her well-being, even though most of them were colleagues and superiors rather than close friends.

"Thank you," Jo said again, her words sounding more genuine this time. She even managed a little smile.

Meredith nodded and mirrored Jo's smile, but she didn't seem to know what else to say. The silence stretched again, until they finally heard Alex's heavy footsteps pounding down the stairs. Meredith said goodbye to grant the both of them some privacy.

"Hey," Alex said, as he stepped in front of Jo.

"Hey."

"Why... How are you here?" he asked carefully, almost suspicious.

All of a sudden Jo felt uneasy. After the way she'd stood him up two weeks ago, there was a very real chance Alex would just slam the door in her face, because he was done with her once and for all.

Alex studied her, waiting for an answer. So Jo put on a bright smile and pushed all negative thoughts aside. "Well it's Friday, eight p.m. It's date night, isn't it?" she said as chipper as possible.

Alex considered this for a moment, but then his face lit up and he smiled back at her. "You're right it's date night." He gestured vaguely behind him. "Do you wanna come in? Or do you want to go somewhere? Did you plan anything?"

"No, actually I have to work later, so I don't have much time. Can we just... Can we go for a walk? Just a few blocks so we can talk?"

Alex nodded and grabbed his jacket.

They walked down the street, savoring the remaining daylight of a surprisingly dry and unclouded Seattle evening. The sun had just set and they both knew it would be getting dark pretty quickly now. For a while they strolled through the neighborhood in silence. Jo didn't know why Alex was quiet. As for her, she didn't even know where to start.

Somewhere in a backyard a dog was barking. Elsewhere they could hear the laughter of children. A spring breeze blew the smell of charcoal in their direction. Apparently some neighbors were using the rain-free day for a barbecue.

The street, however, was abandoned, except for a teenage couple walking a Golden Retriever. Jo looked after the young couple as they passed them. The girl was holding the leash of the dog in one hand, the other one was linked with her boyfriend's, their arms swinging between them, while they were joking around and laughing. It had to be nice, Jo thought wistfully, growing up in a normal suburban neighborhood, walking your dog and simultaneously introducing your boyfriend or girlfriend to the neighborhood.

Alex followed Jo's gaze. "Did their dog shit on the sidewalk? Or why are you staring at those kids?"

"Did you ever do that?" Jo asked, zipping up her jacket.

"What, walk a dog?"

"No, going on walks with your girlfriends, when you were in high school?" She shrugged uncertainly. "Show her the neighborhood or something."

Alex shook his head. "No, never. I didn't live in a neighborhood that was worth showing anybody. Neither did most of the girls. And the ones that did, well, let's just say I was not the kind of boy girls wanted to parade around in their fancy neighborhoods."

"Who were you then?"

"To them? I don't know, I guess the guy who was good enough for a spontaneous quickie in the back of their daddy's Porsche? Which, honestly, was fine with me," he admitted. "I was just fooling around back then." He turned to Jo. "And you? Did you stroll through the neighborhood with your boyfriends?"

"Oh yeah all the time." Jo said wryly. "It was always so romantic when I showed them around the parking lot, where I had parked my car."

"I'm sorry, I'm an idiot," Alex said ruefully.

"It's no big deal," Jo assured him. "I came up with the stupid question in the first place. I guess I was feeling sappy for a moment." She fell silent and looked into the distance. "I was a nobody in high school. I mean, I had some friends and boyfriends too, but... me being me... it was hard to form a real connection with people. There were so many things I simply couldn't tell the other kids about myself. Like the fact that I had no parents and that I was in foster care. Or, later on, the fact that I was basically homeless and lived in my car. I knew there's only two ways people react to those things. They either pity you or they mock you. So I kept things to myself, or made something up when people asked me stuff."

As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Jo wanted to call back every single one of them. Keeping things to herself was what had ultimately destroyed her relationship with Alex. It had cost them everything. How would he feel if he realized, she'd done this practically all her life? At this point she had to look like a compulsive liar to him.

But Alex could relate actually. "I know what you mean. I never told anyone about my crazy mom or my junkie dad. It just wasn't anybody's business, you know. And I lied to social workers all the time to downplay the situation at home." He studied her intently. "So what made you change your mind about date night? About me?"

Jo smiled to herself. This was anything but a smooth segue. But that was Alex for you, always blunt and straight forward.

The problem was, the curb of a sidewalk hardly seemed like the right place for a heart to heart. Jo needed a little more privacy. She knew a small park in a nearby backstreet and suggested to continue their talk there.

The place was actually more a playground than a park and even as a playground it was pretty lame. It was just a grass patch with a miniature slide for toddlers, a dirty sandbox and a cheap horse-shaped seesaw. But in the back there was a big, solid swing set, which was guarded by long hedges on three sides. That's where Jo was headed. She fell down on the left swing, Alex on the other one, still looking at her inquiringly.

"I'm sorry I was avoiding you those last two weeks," she began. "But I had to do some thinking, mull things over in my head, and I..." The words fizzled out. She took a breath, then continued. "Look, I'm not saying you didn't screw up, because you did... big time, but-"

"I wish I could undo it."

"No." Jo shook her head. "I know what I told you was a lot to take in and hard to process. Besides, I expected everything to be revealed in court anyways. And you... God, you tried to prevent that by literally going to prison. Which makes you a dumbass by the way, but I'd say that has to count for something." She flashed a warm smile at him. "Actually it counts for a lot. And I know it was an overwhelming situation. Between finding out about my marriage and name change, and deciding to take a plea deal, I get that you had to talk with someone about everything. And what's more..." She paused, letting her combat boots scrape over the ground underneath her, a grassless spot, worn out by the innumerous children who'd played on this swing over the years. "Well, I had to admit to myself that I started calling Bloody Mary a long time ago."

Alex furrowed his brows. "How do you mean?"

Carefully Jo looked around them, like maybe the streetlights, that had just been turned on and were now fighting the ever progressing twilight around them, would record her words. Lowering her voice, she started to explain. "P- my husband, he is a surgeon too. And he knew I wanted to go into medicine as well. When I ran from him, I left the state and even changed my entire identity. As hard as it was, I knew I could deal with that. But I still proceeded to go to med school, even though I knew it was dangerous and stupid. But becoming a doctor, a surgeon, was everything I ever wanted and it was the one part of my life I refused to compromise for him."

Alex gritted his teeth. "You shouldn't have to compromise on anything because of him."

Jo nodded faintly, closing her fingers around the iron chains of the swing. "That's why I'm here." She was looking directly at Alex now. "I don't want to compromise on us anymore. I feel like if I give up on us now, I let him destroy my life for the second time. But I'm done granting him any sort of power over me. I don't know if we can work things out, but I know that I lo..." she bit her tongue and closed her eyes, embarrassed by what had almost slipped her lips.

But Alex had picked up on it of course. "You know what?" he pressed.

Jo felt her face flush and her ears getting hot. "Nothing. I uh... I was just gonna say, I know that we both made mistakes, but we... uh... I... I want to try to move past that. I think it would be the most reasonable thing to do," she stammered lamely.

"The most reasonable thing?" Alex repeated. He squinted his eyes at her, a half-amused expression playing on his lips, which only made her blush more.

"Well, we've been together for so long, it would be stupid to throw all that away. So it makes sense to give it one more try, don't you think?"

"Absolutely." Alex was still grinning, so not buying into her ramblings about reason and rationality. Granted, neither had ever had much to do with Jo's feelings for Alex, still Jo could have kicked herself for giving herself away like this. What was she thinking almost blurting out that she loved him? It was not the right time to tell Alex that sort of thing. They were just getting closer again, making baby steps. Besides, the last time she'd said those words to him, he'd walked out on her afterwards. She couldn't deny that that memory still stung a little.

Suddenly something heavy and wet landed on Jo's head. Then again. And again. Dark, wet circles started to multiply on her jeans a moment later. Raindrops. It was starting to rain. So far it was only a sprinkle, but the huge and heavy raindrops were always a sure sign of an oncoming downpour.

Alex had noticed it too. He looked up at the sky, although there was not much to discern in the dark indigo vastness above them. "I think this is gonna turn ugly really fast."

"I think so too, let's go." Jo jumped up. Right now she would have welcomed anything that could distract Alex from her embarrassing almost love confession, even a hurricane.

Hastily they marched back to the main street. Alex tipped his head back and looked skywards again. "I don't think we're gonna make it." He held out his hand to Jo. "Come on, let's run, it's not that far."

Jo looked at him in disbelief. "You want to run?"

Alex nodded, impatiently waving his fingers at her. "Unless you want to get soaked?"

Jo put her hand in his and they ran. The drizzle intensified and transmuted into real rain. Alex and Jo raced down the street, their hands still glued together, never letting go.

They reached the porch of the house seconds before the rain turned into an inclement downpour. They were both panting heavily, but a feeling of exhilaration surged through them as they watched the rain pelt down in front of the canopy. Their eyes met and suddenly they burst into exuberant laughter, high on adrenaline and a strange feeling of success. After all, they'd managed to outrun the rain. Well, almost. Their clothes were still wet, but at least they were not completely drenched.

"I can't believe we actually made it." Jo took off her damp jacket and threw it at the wooden swing next to the door. "It was so damn close."

"See? Good thing we ran," Alex said, peeling off his jacket as well.

Jo stood by the brick wall that lined the front side of the porch and looked outside. The rain was so dense, it was like a veil that obscured everything behind it. It was kind of pretty, Jo thought. But then she remembered that somewhere out there was her car and that she should get going soon, if she wanted to make it to the hospital in time for her shift. "God, right now I wish I had taken a job in LA instead of Seattle."

"Seriously?" Alex smirked. "You wouldn't make it a week in LA. You hate the beach."

Jo chuckled. "Point taken." She scrubbed a hand through her wet hair. "But still, this sucks. My shift's about to start and you can't see three feet ahead of you in this rain. I hate driving in that weather. Not to mention that I'll be soaked before I even make it to the car."

"I'm sure it's gonna ease up in a minute." Alex stepped next to her, so close she could feel his heat against her bare arms.

"I'm not so sure." She creased her forehead in frustration. "What are we gonna do now?"

Instead of giving her an answer, Alex spun her around, slipped his arms around her waist and pressed his lips to hers.

Surprise kisses. He'd had always been good at those. Jo closed her eyes, opened her mouth and let herself fall into it, passionate, urgent, almost desperate. She took everything in - the scent of his skin, the taste of his lips, the feeling of his hands on the small of her back - as if this was the end of something and not a new beginning, as if this was a last kiss and not a first.

"That was... unexpected," she remarked, coming up for air.

Alex grinned at her. "It just seemed like the most reasonable thing to do."

"Don't make fun of me."

"I'm really not." Alex tucked a wet strand of hair behind her ear and looked at her. He looked at her for so long, it seemed like he wanted to make up for lost time. "You were never a nobody," he said softly.

Jo looped her arms around Alex's neck, raised herself on tiptoe and kissed him again.

"I should get going," she mumbled against his lips, when she finally broke away. Slowly she ran her hands down his arms, not willing to let go of him for good just yet.

"You should stay here," Alex suggested, intertwining his fingers with hers. "I'm a doctor, I can write you a note for school."

Laughingly Jo shook her head. They joked around for a bit and Alex tried to get Jo to stay. He told her it was too cold, that she would catch pneumonia in her damp clothes. But no matter what he said, Jo was adamant to go to work.

And then the rain actually let up. "This is a sign," Jo said. "I really should go."

As she grabbed her wet jacket, Alex held her back. "Just wait a second, okay? I'm gonna get you something." Swiftly he snuck into the house. A minute later he came back out, holding one of his black hoodies and an umbrella.

"You should at least put on something dry, or you'll actually end up getting pneumonia," he explained as he wrapped her into the hoodie. He even pulled the hood over her head, nevermind that he'd brought her an umbrella as well. At last he pulled up the zipper and then sent her on her way, breathing one last kiss to her lips.

Jo was about to descend the porch steps, taking a moment to brace herself before walking out into the rain, when Alex remembered something they had yet to clarify. "So, date night is on again, right?"

"It's on again. You can stop wallowing now," she added teasingly.

"What did you say?" Alex asked innocently. "I can't hear you, the rain is too loud."

Jo laughed quietly. Of course he'd heard her. He was just too proud to admit how badly he'd been pining over her. "You're a dork. See you next Friday."

"And before," Alex reminded her. "At the hospital."

"And before," she confirmed, smiling lovingly at him over her shoulder. Then she raised the umbrella over her head and ran to her car as fast as she could.

* * *

 **Author's Notes: There's one or two more chapters left, depending on how I can make it work. Thanks for reading and especially for your comments. Every review makes me happy :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Notes: I'm finally back with the last two chapters. I struggled so much with this one, which is why it took me forever to finish it, but it's finally done. Enjoy!**

* * *

Date Night #6

A goodnight kiss after the boy dropped her off at her door. This time it was real. As soon as Alex's lips grazed Jo's, tentatively, like he wanted to test the waters, she pulled him in for more. His lips on hers, soft, but firm, she'd yearned for that - and for more than that - ever since she'd left him back at the porch of the Grey house a week ago. Apparently Alex felt the same. He pulled down her jacket a little and then his kisses started traveling down her neck and shoulder. Gently, he pushed her backwards until she stood pressed against the loft's sliding door. The cool metal of the door was a reliable prop as Jo's body started prickling with excitement and her legs went weak. The feeling intensified when his mouth met hers again while his hands slipped under her shirt and started to caress the soft skin underneath. Her heart was pounding like mad as his fingers slowly moved over her belly, to her hips, to the small of her back. His touch combined with the chilly air draft that hit her bare skin at the gap where Alex had lifted her shirt made goosebumps - the good kind of goosebumps - appear all over Jo's body.

They had tried their hand at minigolf that evening. They'd realized quickly, though, that it just wasn't their thing. Jo found the game generally boring and juvenile and Alex remarked that the only thing that made this slightly less stupid than Wii Golf was the fact that they got to hold actual golf clubs in their hands, instead of virtual ones. They'd left the minigolf course without finishing their game and got Chinese take-out to eat in the car, before Alex brought Jo home. And then, although it was supposed to be nothing more but a simple goodbye, they'd started making out.

Eventually, they were pulled out of their moment by the loud thud of a slamming door from downstairs. Startled, they both looked at each other, waiting if somebody was coming up. But the house was completely quiet again. Nobody was coming. Just the same, the magic was lost. Their minds had been brought back to reality, to the filthy, very open hallway they were standing in.

"I should go," Alex whispered against Jo's lips as he slowly drew back.

She nodded, but as she let go of him, it felt like every cell of her body was revolting, wanting to hold him longer, feel him longer, taste him longer.

 _Small steps,_ she reminded herself as she pasted a smile on her face and said goodbye to Alex.

* * *

Date Night #7

"It's Brooke."

Jo blurted it out just like that. She figured there would never be a right moment for this kind of revelation, so when she and Alex found themselves outside the loft after a night out once again, Jo just gave it away before they could get distracted again.

Alex frowned. "Who's Brooke?" he asked puzzled.

"Me. I'm Brooke." She took a deep breath. "Brooke is... was my real name. Brooke Stadler. Stadler is my husband's last name. His first name is Paul." She paused and studied Alex, half expecting him to take the information and run, doing God knows what with it, presumably something stupid.

"Okay. That's... I..." Alex rubbed his fingers over his forehead, obviously at a loss for words.

"Do you want to come in?" Jo fumbled in her purse for her keys. "So we can talk?"

Alex glanced at her, undecided. "Jo, you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to."

"I know, but I want to," she assured him, sliding the door open. "Just come in, okay?"

Hesitatingly Alex followed her inside and Jo locked the door behind them, turning the key three times. They sat at the kitchen table. Both, the couch and the bed, seemed too personal, too intimate for this kind of talk. Jo needed space, a little distance. Alex sat down on one end of the short table and Jo chose the opposite end.

She didn't even know why she suddenly felt ready to tell him. He hadn't asked her, hadn't pushed her for more information. Then again, maybe that was exactly why she wanted to tell him. Alex wasn't demanding answers, this time she was the one offering them.

Besides, maybe talking about it could actually help her? Wasn't that what people always said? "Don't bottle things up all the time. Talk about it, confide in someone. It will make you feel better." Who knew, maybe there was some truth to it?

That was not everything, though. Keeping that sort of secret for so many years had worn Jo down extremely. For all her good reasons, and as much as it would have hurt to confront her past, not having the option to talk about it to someone, especially the man she loved, had hurt her too. And it had made her lonely. It had felt like there was a permanent, segregating canyon between her and Alex, narrow, but deep. Jo wanted to bridge that canyon once and for all. She wanted Alex to finally know all of her, her entire story, including the most painful chapter.

Jo started with her time in college and how she'd fallen in love with Paul Stadler in her first year. Back then she'd still lived in her car. As the exceptional student she was, she had received scholarships for several renounced colleges, but those scholarships mostly covered tuition fees, not her entire living expenses. And so it happened that the high school girl living in her car was suddenly an Ivy League student living in her car. Nothing had changed. She was still afraid something bad would happen every night she went to sleep in her car. She was still the girl who had to hide her true self from others, the girl who had to make up lies to fit in. Feeling isolated and lonely, she fell for the first person who offered her what she'd never had her entire life: love.

And she fell hard and she fell fast for Paul, who was charming, sweet, funny - all those things. Paul quickly became her shelter, her comfort, a shoulder to lean on in a world that had only ever been harsh and cold to her. They bonded over their shared interest for medicine and within six months they got married and moved in together.

It was then that things started to change. It was subtle at first. It wasn't like Paul turned into a violent monster from one day to the next. He just became a little more controlling and overbearing. One day he slapped her in the face. And once that line was crossed, he started doing things that were worse.

But even when she realized how dangerous Paul was, it didn't occur to her to leave him, not immediately anyways. Part of her loved him, in spite of the way he treated her and no matter how badly he hurt her. And if she left, where would she even go? She had nobody, no family or relatives whatsoever. The reassurance of having a roof over her head meant a lot to her, for she knew all too well what homelessness was like. She never wanted to suffer through that again. And despite everything, Paul could be sweet too. He was always sorry and she always fell for his apologies.

Jo recounted all that seemingly unbothered, her voice flat, like she was talking about somebody else's life. She knew, if she let it get to her, she would fall apart completely. Still, it was hard to shut out all emotions completely. The first thing that got through, though, was embarrassment rather than pain.

"I should have realized sooner what kind of person he was," she said quietly, not making eye contact with Alex. "Looking back at it, I just feel stupid... ashamed."

"Don't say that," Alex said softly, reaching out for her hand. For just a moment Jo let him squeeze her fingers, then she pulled her hand away. She couldn't let him get too close, not yet.

Apologetically she looked up, meeting his gaze for the first time since they'd sat down. She could tell by the sadness in his eyes how hard all this was on him. Although she skipped the gruesome details, Alex was probably getting so much more truth than he'd ever bargained for.

"Yeah, I know, blaming yourself is typical victim behavior, right?" Jo laughed dryly. "I know I shouldn't do that. It's just... I feel like a fool when I think back, I can't help it. Because how could all that happen to me of all people? I knew how to delude people, how to use fake tears to get what I wanted, how to use people's sympathy for my needs. I thought I knew all the tricks and yet I fell for his." She shook her head, chewed at her bottom lip. "Turns out he was a greater con man than I was." She snorted, remembering something else. "And of course I was blinded by some stupid desire for normalcy... and love." She blinked rapidly as she felt tears form in her eyes. Not trusting her voice to remain steady, she paused, staring at her hands on the wooden table top. She'd painted her nails for date night. It wasn't her default black nail polish, though. She'd picked a shimmering dark blue, reminiscent of the night sky.

"Anyways," she went on, as soon as she felt like she had control over her voice again, "one day I came to my senses and I got away. It was... hard, but I made it." Hard was the biggest understatement ever. Getting away from Paul had been a long and difficult process, one that had almost cost her her life. But Jo certainly wouldn't burden Alex with any specifics about that.

She glanced up at him again, unsure how he would react, what he would say, now that he knew the whole story. But Alex said nothing at all. He just stared back at her, eyes full of love as well as pain.

The lingering silence was almost unbearable for Jo. Her heart grew heavy and she could feel her chest get tight, as though she was going to cry.

Pulling herself together, she rose to her feet. "It's late. I think we should call it a night."

She went to unlock the door, suddenly in a hurry to usher her ex out of the loft. Swiftly, Alex followed her.

"Jo, wait." He put a hand on her shoulder to make her stop. "Are you alright?" he asked concerned.

"Yeah sure, I'm fine."

"Should I uhm... Do you want me to stay here tonight?"

"Why? It's not like he's gonna jump out from behind a corner and come after me." She said it lightly, even managed a wry laugh. "Seriously, I'm okay. I don't need you to protect me."

"It's not that. I really just want to hold you and make sure you're not alone tonight. Or ever," he added softly.

Tears started to well up in Jo's eyes. If only he wouldn't look at her like this, so fully aware of all the hidden anguish she carried with her. And his words made it even more difficult. The last thing she wanted was to spend the night alone with her thoughts in this dark, capacious apartment. Her plan was to numb herself with alcohol or a sleeping pill once Alex was gone. If he stayed, she would surely fall apart right in front of his eyes.

"Look, I... I..." She started one last pathetic attempt to get him out of this place. Her voice, however, was already failing her. She bit her trembling lip, but she couldn't hold back the tears any longer. Silently they started spilling down her pale cheeks. It felt like a levee was breaking inside of her, flooding her with all the pain, she'd tried to supress so desperately.

Before she knew it, Alex had caught her in his arms, hugging her tightly. "Hey, I got you. It's okay." He pressed a kiss to her hair. "I'm here. You're not alone." Wrapped in his safe embrace, Jo finally let go and broke down crying against his chest.

Jo cried until Alex's sweater was wet with her tears. He either didn't notice or didn't care, he just kept holding her, whispering reassuring words. Shaking from convulsive sobbing, she didn't hear most of them, but the murmur of Alex's voice was soothing all the same.

Once she had calmed down a bit, he led her to the bed and made her lie down, tucked her in. The cold fabric of the pillow felt strangely comforting against her tear-stained, hot face.

Between her puffy eyes she glimpsed how Alex's gaze shifted from her to the couch and back again. He hesitated another moment, but then went around the bed and lay down beside her. He put his arm around her waist and pulled her close to him. Jo was glad. Curled up against Alex's warm solid body, it didn't take long until she fell asleep.

* * *

Alex woke up in the middle of the night, because something hit his face. A searing pain went through his nose, making him groan loudly, before he was even fully awake. Rubbing his throbbing nose, he straightened up. For a moment he didn't know where he was, let alone what the hell was going on. As his eyes adjusted to the dark, he noticed a slender figure beside him, tossing and turning in the sheets.

Jo.

Right, she'd told him about her husband and he'd decided to spend the night at the loft with her. It all came back to him now.

Jo turned to the right, facing away from Alex. A single whimper emitted from her throat, quiet but unsettling. "Jo?" Alex asked, worried. She didn't answer. Half of her comforter was hanging from the edge of the bed, the other half was twisted around her legs.

Alex leaned over her and touched her shoulder. "Jo?" He shook her gently, but she didn't react. She lay still now, breathing steadily. It dawned on him that she'd been sleeping all along. Her flailing around must have been caused by a dream, a bad dream probably. That would also explain what had punched him in the face before. While tossing in her sleep, Jo had presumably socked him with her arm by accident.

Alex considered waking her up, but decided against it. She seemed sound asleep now. He sank back and stared at the ceiling. He tried to convince himself that Jo's nightmare didn't have to have anything to do with Paul Stadler. But considering all the crap Jo had dug up last night, it most likely was. Alex balled his fists. He hated the thought of all the horrors she could be encountering, even if it was only in her dreams. Then again, maybe she was actually dreaming about kicking the scumbag's ass? That was possible too, right? Alex wanted to believe it. He turned round to Jo again, propped his upper body on his elbow and planted a tender kiss on her temple. "Please be dreaming about kicking his ass," he whispered imploringly. "Please. Please. Please."

His eyes darted past her and started drifting around the loft, the place that was once his home. Shelves, drawers, couch - in the dark he could only make out the silhouettes of the furnishing. For some reason his eyes ended up lingering on the wooden pillar in the middle of the kitchen area. He'd pushed Andrew DeLuca against that pillar. Then he'd punched him so hard, he'd swirled around and tumbled against the kitchen table. His fists had come down on the younger man's face again and again, hard and merciless.

Rubbing the back of his right hand, Alex remembered how bloody and swollen his knuckles had been afterwards. They'd hurt like hell too. But that was nothing compared to the sheer horror he'd felt once he came to his senses and realized what he'd done. The intern was on the floor, barely conscious, his nose an unrecognizable chunk of meat, and his broken eyes had stared up at Alex, full of accusation. At least that was how it had seemed. Recalling the events of that evening made a shiver run down Alex's spine and his chest constricted in a painful mix of shame and remorse.

Turning his head, he studied Jo's frame beside him. She'd been there too on that day and she'd had to witness how her boyfriend lost his mind and beat an innocent man to a bloody pulp. Suddenly he felt vile and rotten to the core. It occurred to him that Paul Stadler was not the only monster, who could be haunting Jo in her sleep. Had Jo gotten away from one violent asshole just to end up with another one? It made him sick, but the thought settled in his brain like a tumor.

Swiftly, Alex drew back the covers. He couldn't stay here. What was he even thinking, sleeping in this bed next to Jo, after everything that had happened in this apartment? For all he knew, his mere presence was making her anxiety worse. He pressed a kiss to Jo's shoulder. "I love you... and I'm sorry."

Slowly, he scooted towards the edge of the bed, trying to move carefully and quietly, because he didn't want to wake her up. He wouldn't leave her alone in the middle of the night, but he figured it was better for her, if he moved to the couch.

As though she could sense what he was thinking, Jo rolled over, put her arms around him and rested her head on his torso. "Don't go," she mumbled into his chest, still half asleep.

So Alex stayed put. Jo had basically rendered him immobile, anyways. If he moved now, he'd definitely wake her up. He sighed helplessly, but somehow he felt a littler better. Maybe this was a sign that his worries were baseless? Had she not made her choice already? She was the one who'd turned up at his door. She was the one who'd made the first step towards reconciliation. She knew exactly who he was, but she'd still come back to him. Alex closed his eyes, trying to disperse his doubts. But as he gently stroked Jo's head, slowly drifting of to sleep, he still wondered how many times Stadler's face turned into his in Jo's nightmares.


	7. Chapter 7

Date Night #8

Alex needed a break from pondering and talking and apparently so did Jo. So when they returned to the loft, after their date at a bowling alley, they let their bodies do the talking. Only this time they went inside, before the started making out.

As much as Alex enjoyed kissing and caressing Jo's skin, and feeling her touch in return, he had not expected her to want to go all the way. As she started to unbuckle his pants, he made a step back, uncertainly rubbing his neck. "Listen Jo, I..."

Jo grabbed the hem of her shirt, pulled it over her head, then dropped it on the floor. Alex stopped dead in his tracks, while Jo went on to peel off her jeans as well. Once she was done, she shot him a challenging look as if she wanted to ask: _Do you really want to ruin this with talking right now?_ Amused, Alex shook his head. Jo just knew how to get him. Her body was stunning to say the least, slender, but with curves in all the right places. He'd never been able to resist her and he certainly wouldn't be able today. Judging by the sassy grin that appeared on Jo's face as she watched him watch her, she knew it too.

She threw herself into his arms again, her kisses deep and passionate. Alex took off his shirt and pants, then started to push Jo towards the bed. They fell onto the mattress, got rid of their underwear and suddenly it was just them in their purest form, her body responding to his and his to hers in perfect harmony as if all the months apart had never happened.

This past week Alex had harbored so many doubts; constantly wondering whether what he and Jo were doing was right and whether he was still the right man for her. But what they were doing now felt so right, so natural, he didn't allow it to be destroyed by his doubts. He'd missed Jo - and sleeping with her - so goddamn much, one of these days he might have combusted because of the ever present yearning inside of him.

Alex stayed the night, feeling too tired and comfy snuggled against Jo, to even think about getting behind a steering wheel to drive home in the middle of the night.

* * *

Date Night #9

This Friday night did not end according to Jo and Alex's dating plans. The two surgeons had just finished their shift at the hospital and were about to leave, excited to spend the evening together, when they got detained by an emergency. It was a bus accident with about a dozen major casualties, that required all hands on deck. Both their respective surgeries went well, but once they were done, it was too late to go out. Alex still insisted on bringing Jo home. Too exhausted from saving lives to do anything else, they went straight to bed and fell asleep in each others arms.

The next morning Jo woke up early, which was aggravating, considering she had the morning off and could have slept in. Alex lay beside her and was doing just that - sleeping in. Jo snorted. If only she shared his ability to sleep like a log. Then again, maybe she could do something about that? With a mischievous grin she leaned over him and pecked his cheek. However, there was no reaction. She tried again. And again. But there was no use, he just wouldn't wake up. Sulkily, Jo pouted her lips. _Sleeping Beauty's got nothing on Alex Karev,_ she thought, as she drew back the comforter and got up.

In the bathroom she squirted toothpaste on her toothbrush. With her toothbrush sticking out her mouth, she walked around the kitchen to check if she had enough stuff around to make breakfast. A look into the fridge revealed that the only things she had left were a piece of butter, two eggs and some leftover lunchmeat. She groaned, set up the coffee maker and went back to the bathroom to clean her face.

Back in the kitchen, she poured the coffee into two mugs, when her eyes got caught by the bottle of vodka on the counter. She'd bought this bottle for the bad days. She'd never needed it, not all of it anyways, but to claim she was doing great now, would have been untrue. Telling Alex about her past had not magically changed everything for Jo. It wasn't like she was feeling better all of a sudden, just because she'd let someone in on her misery.

Before the night at the bar, where she'd told Andrew about being married, Paul Stadler had lived in a tiny box, stored away in the rearmost corner of Jo's mind. He was like her own personal Jack-in-the-box toy that came straight out of a nightmare. She'd never dared to turn the crank to let him out. Over the years Jo had almost convinced herself that that part of her life had never existed to begin with.

The bruises, the broken bones, the black eyes, the tears, the fear - Jo had never allowed herself to dive too deep into any of it. She'd left it behind like she'd left Paul behind. But there was no denying anymore. The pain was real and so was he. Legally she was still tied to Paul. And she always would be, unless she found the courage to deal with him face to face. But that was dangerous and seemed impossible to her. At least for now, maybe forever.

Nevertheless, Jo didn't regret telling Alex about Paul. There had always been lots of secrets in her life, lots of lies too. Things she couldn't tell, because she was ashamed. Things she couldn't tell, because she was scared. Now Alex knew all those things. And although there was still the old familiar fear lurking in the back of her mind, a voice telling her it would have been safer to stay quiet forever, she was glad Alex knew. Now there was no canyon between them anymore. He knew her through and through. And if there ever was one person on this planet with whom she wanted to share everything, it was definitely Alex.

Jo knew, though, what she had told him was eating at him. Or at least something was. He didn't tell her and she didn't ask. They'd taken a much needed break from talking about all the serious stuff for now. Instead they rediscovered their old levity. They joked around and just had fun together. And they had sex, lots of sex. At least that's what they did after the bowling date. They'd had off the whole weekend and spent most of it in bed.

Since it was early, they still had a few hours to repeat last weeks activities. But first Jo had to find a way to wake Alex up. Armed with two steaming hot cups of coffee she shuffled back to their bed. She put down one cup on her nightstand, then went around the bed to Alex's side and held the cup close to his face. "Wake up," she whispered, blowing the coffee steam in his direction. A moment later, he actually opened his eyes. "Hey," he murmured, squinting at her somewhat dumbfounded.

Jo couldn't help but be a little bit offended that the sleeping log seemed to be immune to her kisses, but not to the aroma to freshly brewed java. "Good morning," she said, putting on her sweetest fake smile. "I made you coffee." She climbed over him and as she slipped under the cozy covers, she pressed her feet, freezing cold from walking around the apartment barefoot, against his warm legs. Revenge is a dish best served cold, after all.

Alex winced, but refrained from complaining. "You know, I could get used to this?"

"What? My cold feet against your calves?" Jo asked innocently.

Alex laughed. "No, having you next to me, when I wake up." He leaned forward and kissed her lovingly. "How about I move back in?"

This proposition took Jo by utter surprise. "What?"

"I don't want this... us... to be just a weekend thing anymore," Alex explained. "I wanna move back in. I wanna come home."

Jo inhaled deeply. She had no idea how she should respond to that.

"Jo? Don't you want to say something?"

"Yeah... I... uh... I'm not... it's just..." She took another deep breath. "I don't think that's a good idea," she finally said, her voice calm and steady. A straight-forward, honest approach was probably best in this case.

"Why not?" Alex demanded. His jaw was set hard and by the look in his eyes she could tell that she had hurt his feelings.

"It's too soon, Alex. I thought we were taking it slow. There's still so much we have to figure out, so much we haven't talked about. Like the whole marriage thing. You want that so badly, but it's not something I can give you. Ever. Can you accept that? Do you still want to spend your life with me, even if we can never get married? If I can never give you that?"

Alex narrowed his eyes. "Why are you saying this like it's something you have to give me? It was never about that. It was something I wanted to share with you. It was about commitment, about..." He trailed off as anger built up and his voice got louder. Furiously shaking his head he broke away from Jo.

Hunched over, he perched at the edge of the bed and wiped his fingers over his forehead in frustration. Ironically he was now facing the empty storage organizer where his clothes used to be. Jo knew it had to sting to be reminded that, these days, he was just a visitor in this place.

"It was supposed to be a freaking promise, goddamnit." Alex muttered. "It was about you and me."

"The last time we talked about this, it sounded very different," Jo pointed out.

Alex flashed a glare at her over his shoulder. "The last time we talked about this I was hurt and upset," he huffed.

Jo moved closer and put a hand on his back. Alex flinched slightly as her palm met his bare skin. "Hurt and upset like right now?" she asked him softly.

"Kinda," Alex shrugged. "No, screw it." He rubbed his hands across his face, then ran them through his hair. "I'm not upset. And I don't wanna fight. Least of all about this, because I swear, I'm over it."

"Over what?"

"Weddings, marriage, whatever... the whole thing. I don't need it and I don't know why I ever wanted it. This whole stupid tradition about exchanging rings and manufactured vows, it's worth crap. It never works out anyways. My first marriage lasted about ten months and we spent most of that time separated. And just look at everyone else. Torres and Robbins are divorced, so are Kepner and Avery. Shepherd and Hunt started fighting about five minutes after they tied the knot." He shook his head. "I don't know what I was thinking."

"That sounds awfully cynical, even for you." Jo looped her arms around Alex's neck and pressed her cheek against his. "I hate playing a part in making you more cynical."

Alex leaned back against her and stroked her arms. "Believe me, you're really just a side character in that story."

Jo scrunched her face. "But still..."

Alex turned around and his eyes met hers. Any trace of anger had disappeared, he just seemed sad now. "You know what I hate? That you got hurt and I played a big part in that. Because really, you are the last person I ever want to cause any pain. But I know I did and... I'm sorry."

Jo frowned. "What are you talking about exactly?"

"Well, everything. Like what happened w- I mean, what I did to DeLuca. I'm sorry you had to witness that. And I'm sorry I freaked out and beat him up."

"You need to tell that to Andrew, not to me."

"I did, but now I need to know what you think."

Jo lowered her head, a motion that made her messy hair fall into her face. She combed the strands back with her fingers and glanced up. "It certainly wasn't your finest hour, but I don't dwell on it, if that's what you're afraid of?"

Alex arched his eyebrows at her in a way that made it clear he didn't believe a word she was saying.

"Fine, I couldn't sleep in the loft for a few days afterwards. And I stopped running around and sleeping naked."

His mouth curved up in a wry smile. "I noticed."

"Yeah, I had to learn that that sort of thing can lead to ugly misunderstandings." Self-deprecatingly she rolled her eyes. "But really, that's it."

Alex nodded slightly, but he still didn't seem entirely convinced. "It's just.. sometimes I'm not sure anymore, if I'm the right... if I'm good for you. Especially now that I know what you went through."

Jo almost had to laugh at that unexpected twist. Five minutes ago he'd wanted to move in with her, now he sounded like he wanted to break up - to protect her, which was pretty much the stupidest reason she could think of.

"Alex, I love you and I want to be with you. Have I not made that clear by now?"

"Yeah, but... what we want and what's good for us can be two very different things," Alex pointed out.

"Okay, listen to me." Jo cupped Alex's face in her hands and looked straight into his eyes. "When I married Paul I was a lonely, insecure 19-year old homeless girl, but I am not that girl anymore. I'm a grown woman, I'm a surgeon, I own an apartment and right now I have my life in order. Well, as much as that's possible with a crazy ex on the loose, who could hunt me down any day," she added dryly. "I need you to trust my judgment, when I say you are what I want and what I need and what's good for me." To reinforce her words she breathed a tender kiss against his lips.

"Everything alright?" she asked, when she drew back.

"I'm fine."

Jo shot him a skeptical look. He still seemed glum and way too serious. "Really? 'Cause I think your face didn't get the memo." Using both sets of fingers she pushed the corners of his mouth upwards. "This is what happy looks like," she informed him. Her fingers gently pulled his mouth down. "This is sad. But we want happy." She pushed the corners up again. Then, just because she was feeling silly, she smushed his cheeks together. "That's... uh... a fish face, but a happy fish face," she added pointedly.

Alex laughed and freed himself from her tugging and squeezing little fingers. "You know you're ridiculous, don't you?" he whispered.

Jo circled her legs around his waist and her arms around his shoulders. "I'm doing my best," she shrugged, which made them both laugh.

They kissed each other and laughed and eventually dropped back onto the bed. As they were rolling around in their crumpled sheets, Alex started to attack Jo's neck with quick little tickling kisses. She pretended to fight him off, but she couldn't stop laughing and neither could he and they enjoyed every second of it. It was so fulfilling to feel Alex's body against hers, even though they were only fooling around in a more or less innocent way.

Once they were done with their playful wrestling, they huddled together to catch their breaths. Resting her head on Alex's chest, Jo listened to the steady but intense pounding of his heart. Absentmindedly she started fumbling with Alex's hands. She laced her fingers through his, traced the back of his hands, tickled his palms, then tightly intertwined her fingers with his again.

"By the way, what did you do with the ring?" Alex asked.

"I pawned it," Jo said deadpan.

"You did, huh? Well, I hope you got good money for it."

"Oh, I did, no worries. I invested it wisely too, bought some really expensive shoes and stuff." She cackled and sat up. "No, the ring is right here..." Bending over Alex, she began to rummage in his bedside drawer and retrieved a little box. "...in the drawer, where it always has been."

Without thinking too much about it, Jo opened the velvet box and slipped the sparkling engagement ring on her finger. For a moment she just stared at it, almost mesmerized. She wiggled her fingers, a movement that made the ring twinkle even more.

"It's beautiful," she said, a tinge of wistfulness corrupting her voice. Alex had made such an effort picking this ring and she'd never gotten to appreciate it fully.

Suddenly an image flashed in front of her eyes. She saw herself as she was walking down an aisle, wearing a stunning white wedding dress. At the end of that aisle, Alex was waiting for her, a warm smile lighting up his features as he watched her walk towards him.

"Hey, are you done staring at that rock soon?" Alex asked, softly prodding her in the ribs.

His voice brought Jo back to reality and made the corny daydream dissipate. Quickly she took the ring off and put it back into the drawer. "Yeah, I'm all done." When she lay wrapped in Alex's arms again, she drew out a shaky breath to get rid of the heaviness that had taken hold of her chest.

Gently, Alex started grazing her arm with his fingertips, drawing random patterns on her skin. "Jo?"

"Hm?"

"Would uh... would you have said yes to my proposal, if things were different? I mean, I know we had other stuff going on too, but... but eventually, would you have said yes?"

"Yeah." Jo's lips parted into a soft smile. "Of course I would have said yes. I would have loved to marry you." Her throat closed up and she felt the heaviness in her chest return as she thought of what she'd lost. Which was strange, because she'd never had it in the first place.

Once more Jo found herself playing the what if game. But this time it wasn't about bad things happening. Instead, she thought about how different her life could have been if good things had happened to her. What if she hadn't been abandoned at a fire station when she was a baby? What if she'd been taken in by loving parents and had had the chance to grow up as a happy child? What if she had not had to learn to fend for herself at an age where other girls played with Barbie dolls? What if she'd met Alex sooner? What if she'd never met Paul and never had to go through all that pain?

Tears sprang to her eyes, but Jo forced them back with a few rapid blinks of her eyes.

What did all that matter now? There was no point in losing herself in useless what ifs. The past was in the past and she couldn't change anything about it. What she needed to do was focus on the present. Right now, right here, she was happy. And she was with Alex. They were together and they were happy - in a way they hadn't been in a very long time. What more could she wish for?

Jo turned around and looked into Alex's brown eyes, long and intently. After everything they'd been through, he was still here, he was still with her. And she did not need a vow or a promise to know he was forever hers to have and to hold, hers to cherish, and hers to love.

 _God, what more could she wish for?_

She started kissing him, pushed her tongue between his lips. Alex instantly reciprocated her hot, demanding kisses, holding her face in his hands, soon moving on to bury them in her hair. Impatiently they took off what little clothes they had on their bodies; boxers, panties, a Princeton T-shirt. There was no fooling around this time, barely any foreplay either. They were both more than ready and they knew exactly what they wanted. Jo rolled on her back and made room for Alex between her legs. As soon as she felt his mouth on hers again, she closed her eyes, and while she was holding on to the man she loved, she let go of everything else.

* * *

 **Author's Notes: Ladies and Gentlemen, this was the last chapter. I've finally finished a multi-chapter story, hurray! I feel pretty drained right now, but I'm also glad it's done.**

 **I have to say I hate the mere thought of comparisons between Jo's husband and Alex, but at the same time I can't imagine that it wouldn't be on Alex's mind in one way or another, especially after what happened with DeLuca. So that's why I picked that topic up in the last two chapters.**

 **I hope you could enjoy this story, even though the show is just one huge disappointment when it comes to Jolex these days. (Here's hoping that will finally change in s14.) I know the demand for Jolex fanfiction just isn't there right now, but since this is the last chapter maybe you still want to leave a comment or a review... or something.**

 **Thank you so much for reading! :)**


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